I woke this morning to news of an Alzheimer's Society report that states that over 50% of GPs think that patients with dementia don't get enough support from the NHS, and 67% think those patients don't get enough support from Social Services. (The NHS budget being ring-fenced, while the social care budget - encompassing most of those living with dementia - is not.)
In response to a long exchange with someone on Twitter, who argued (in somewhat extreme terms) that the "greater good" of economics is always more important than personal need, here is my dramatic riposte:
INT. NON-DENOMINATIONAL APOLITICAL CELEBRATORY BUILDING - DAY
A function room with podium. Ambient music. Taking the podium, the CELEBRANT motions for the music to be lowered, opens a large register, and addresses the audience. In the front row, a young couple, MAL and TRIX, sits with a baby in arms, an empty reserved seat beside them.
INT. NON-DENOMINATIONAL APOLITICAL CELEBRATORY BUILDING - DAY
A function room with podium. Ambient music. Taking the podium, the CELEBRANT motions for the music to be lowered, opens a large register, and addresses the audience. In the front row, a young couple, MAL and TRIX, sits with a baby in arms, an empty reserved seat beside them.
CELEBRANT
Welcome,
friends, to this happiest of days! An
occasion of both joy and solemnity. A rite of passage that confirms our place
in the community. Ladies, gentlemen, and
those of any other identification, we are gathered here, in the sight of secular
state -
A young
man, ANDY, bursts in from the back of the auditorium.
ANDY
- Sorry,
sorry! Not too late, am I?
Signal failure on the Circle Line -
CELEBRANT
-
If you please? Quick as you can.
ANDY
hurries to join MAL; takes the seat beside him, out of breath.
CELEBRANT
We are
gathered here, in the sight of secular state, to celebrate with (glances at
register) Mal and Trix the arrival of a brand new Economically Viable Unit.
A flustered
ANDY leads the audience in applause.
CELEBRANT
Would the
Genetic Donors of the Unit step forward, please?
MAL and
TRIX step up with the swaddled baby.
CELEBRANT
You are the
registered Genetic Donors?
MAL/TRIX
We are.
CELEBRANT
Congratulations.
You are to be commended for your contribution to society. Do you have your
certificates of Economic Viability?
MAL/TRIX
We do.
They
proffer two certificates.
CELEBRANT
Thank you.
MAL
It’s all in
order -
TRIX
- Verified
and sealed.
CELEBRANT
(to MAL) I see you
have a period of two months out of employment in the last ten years?
MAL
It was
before the new rules came in... (indicates) 2015: I was made redundant, in the
cuts...
CELEBRANT
Redundancy
is no excuse; you were evidently deemed unviable at that place of work -
MAL
- Only because
my job was phased out. It wasn’t me per se, they didn’t replace me. Efficiency
savings, that’s what they said -
CELEBRANT
- Which
means you were inefficient.
MAL
Not me
personally, no; that role.
TRIX
“Inefficient”’s
not “unviable”, is it? Just a little bit surplus to requirements...
CELEBRANT
That is a
semantic distinction.
MAL
Yeah,
thanks, Trix, I can handle this.
TRIX
Just trying
to help...
MAL
(to
CELEBRANT) It was
2015! Before the rules came in. You’ve got to take that, by law!
CELEBRANT
Quite
right, sir. Rules are rules. (refers to documents; to TRIX)
You, however, have reduced
Viability Points?
TRIX
Because of the baby - sorry, "Unit". I took the minimum time
off, just the afternoon, but I physically had to be in the hospital because
there were complications -
CELEBRANT
-
The Unit is not healthy?
TRIX/MAL
No!
Yes! She’s healthy! Nothing wrong with her now!
Silence.
Tension. Worried looks all round.
TRIX
She is
Viable, trust me. At least as a future Genetic Donor and Incubator -
MAL
-
Supporting the economy with future tax-payers, increased GDP.
TRIX
I know I’ve
got to take a hit on Viability myself, but that’s my choice, don’t take it out
on her.
CELEBRANT
Very
well. Let us proceed. You have a name?
MAL
Prudence.
TRIX
We’ve
always been supporters of government economic policy.
The
CELEBRANT raises an eyebrow.
ANDY
(rises
in testimony) They have,
they have! Praise be!
He jollies
the audience along to agree.
CELEBRANT
Surname?
MAL
Goodheart.
TRIX
It’s an old
family name. We got a dispensation to keep it -
MAL
- We paid
the dispensation fee.
CELEBRANT
And your sponsor?
ANDY
That’s
me!
He bounds
up.
ANDY
Andy
Fairweather. At your service.
CELEBRANT
Do you,
Andrew Fairweather, undertake sponsorship of this Unit, Prudence Goodheart?
ANDY
I do!
CELEBRANT
Socially,
morally, legally, and financially?
ANDY
(less
sure) I do.
CELEBRANT
To be a
guarantor, from this day forth, should the said Unit encounter difficulty in
meeting approved behaviour or achievement, placing Viability at risk?
ANDY
... I
guess...
CELEBRANT
The terms
of the contract have been explained?
ANDY shrugs,
uncomfortable.
MAL
They
have, yes. (to ANDY; low)
I did tell you, when I first asked -
ANDY
- In
the pub, when we’d necked ten pints and JD chasers to wet the sprog’s head -
CELEBRANT
-
It is all in the small print, Mr Fairweather. You cannot claim to have been
mis-sold? Because you had the statutory fourteen days “no quibble” cancellation
period.
ANDY
I signed
the forms, yeah; but -
MAL
-
You’re my best mate, Andy; my Best Man...
TRIX
We’re
relying on you. You owe us.
MAL and
TRIX eyeball ANDY. A beat.
CELEBRANT
May we
proceed?
ANDY
Yeah, OK.
It’s cool.
The
CELEBRANT takes up the register.
CELEBRANT
You, the
registered sponsor, Andrew Fairweather, agree to guarantee the continued
Viability of this Unit, throughout its lifetime (or yours, whichever should end
sooner); to maintain a healthy lifestyle commensurate with Economic Viability,
to fund support of the Unit during any periods of Unviability or to arrange
private funding for such at your discretion -
ANDY
- Now, wait
a minute. Wait a minute! How long does this “funding” go on for?
TRIX
It’s just a
formality -
MAL
- Like
“renouncing all evil”. That’s what they said in the old days; no-one took it
literally.
TRIX
A kind of
insurance policy -
MAL
- An
excess, if you like.
TRIX
All being
well, she’ll never have to make any claim.
ANDY
All being
well? But what if it’s not? What if - ?
TRIX
- Well then
we hope you’d step up to the plate.
MAL
As our best
mate.
TRIX
Isn’t that
the point?
CELEBRANT
It’s all in
the T&Cs, Mr Fairweather. In coming here today, you have entered into the
contract.
ANDY
No, hang
on, I came to support my mate’s kid. She’s cute. He showed me the photos on his
mobile, the night she popped out. All welled up, he was - like when Arsenal won
the double; and we’d had a few bevvies. So I was up for it, you know? Thought
I’d pay for her Prom or something, maybe chip in for driving lessons or Uni
fees, if she gets in, if there’s still a Uni, if I can afford it by then and
don’t have kids - sorry, Units - of my own; but a whole lifetime...?
TRIX
We’ll
pledge the same for you, when the time comes.
MAL
Quid pro
quo.
ANDY
It’s quids
I’m worried about...
CELEBRANT
The terms
are quite clear. There’s been a multi-million pound cross-platform government
campaign.
ANDY
But who
takes any notice of that? It’s for old codgers, isn’t it? Losers? Load of blah,
blah, blah -
CELEBRANT
- Well
maybe you should. You might need to avail yourself of it one day. If you have
not paid due attention -
TRIX
- Sorry, do
we have to go into all this now? I’m sure we can sort it out. Prudence is
getting tired. And we’ve got guests; they’ve come over for the do...
MAL
Cut us some
slack here, will you? It’s our first time as donors -
TRIX
- We do
want to contribute to the greater good.
MAL
(re
ANDY) And he
doesn’t mean to be disrespectful -
TRIX
- It’s just
a blip -
MAL
- Nerves -
TRIX
-
Immaturity. He’s never had a Unit himself.
ANDY
Who are you
calling immature?
MAL
Let’s just
get on with it, yeah; get stuck into the buffet? We’ve got handmade Scotch
eggs.
ANDY
No, but -
TRIX
- Please,
Andy! We can’t do it without you. We need her to be on the Register - or else
she doesn’t exist.
ANDY
OK... (to
MAL; pointed)
But we’ll talk later, right? Do a deal?
CELEBRANT
You can
make whatever arrangement you like between yourselves, so long as government
requirements are met and you claim nothing from the state. You mind your own
business, we mind ours.
TRIX
(appeals to
ANDY) We’ve only
got this room for a one-hour slot; there’s penalties...
ANDY
(to CELEBRANT)
Just cut to the chase. I could murder a pint.
MAL
Thanks,
mate. Appreciate it.
The
CELEBRANT refers back to the register.
CELEBRANT
You, the
Registered Sponsor, or any Deputy Sponsor you assign by deed of variation to
take on your responsibilities in the event of your prior demise or incapacity,
agree to notify the authorities at once and without delay of any ongoing and
irreversible Unviability - including, but not confined to, persistent
vegetative state, quadriplegia, loss of communicative senses, incurable brain
injury, genetic or acquired mental defect, or any form of dementia. (proffers
register) Sign here.
ANDY
My nan’s
got dementia...
TRIX
Ssshh!
CELEBRANT
Have the authorities been notified?
MAL
It’s a different case, not your remit -
TRIX
- You
didn’t hear that, OK? (re ANDY)
He was confused -
ANDY
- Not “confused”! There’s nothing wrong with my Viability!
MAL
What did
you have to say that for?
TRIX
Your nan could
be reported.
MAL
We’ll
be here for hours now!
ANDY
No-one
touches my nan.
MAL
Forget your
nan -
TRIX
- She’s
forgotten you.
ANDY and
MAL look at her.
TRIX
Sorry. I
just mean, your nan’s got nothing to do with it. This is our Prudence’s day.
MAL
Yeah, it’s
all about Prudence. We want to take care of our girl.
CELEBRANT
(to ANDY) I
could overlook the remark about your relative, as it does not concern anyone
here present today.
TRIX
Thank you.
(to ANDY)
That’s good, isn’t it? Understanding...?
MAL
Very civil.
A beat.
ANDY nods, not quite sure.
ANDY
Just one
more question…
CELEBRANT
(looks at
watch) Of course.
ANDY
This
notification thing? When you have to
contact the authorities?
CELEBRANT
Yes?
ANDY
Well what
actually happens? When you give notice?
CELEBRANT
Then we
come.
ANDY
And do
what?
CELEBRANT
Euthanise the Unit. It’s all in the T&Cs – and the government campaign. You must know? That’s the basis of our existence: an Economically Viable Unit. (proffers register) Sign here?
Euthanise the Unit. It’s all in the T&Cs – and the government campaign. You must know? That’s the basis of our existence: an Economically Viable Unit. (proffers register) Sign here?
BLACKOUT.
